


lose my breath calling out your name

by ladypeaceful



Series: each time the universe splits, i'll find you in the stars again [12]
Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Fix-It of Sorts, Gap Filler, M/M, Mental Health Issues, inner thoughts, sander pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2019-11-17
Packaged: 2021-02-12 15:27:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21478603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladypeaceful/pseuds/ladypeaceful
Summary: the brightest stars in the galaxies are also the ones that burn out the most quickly.
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Series: each time the universe splits, i'll find you in the stars again [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1431961
Comments: 2
Kudos: 42





	lose my breath calling out your name

**Author's Note:**

> post-zaterdag 21:23. this is more of a look inside sander’s inner thoughts than anything else. no warnings for the fic itself but the clip that i’m referring to does imply a suicide attempt (don’t worry, robbe is safe in this fic and also in the show). i also briefly reference both vrijdag 16:12 and vrijdag 22:53; take precautions as needed. title from _leave like that_ by jenn champion and syml because i love suffering. my inbox on tumblr @navollidiot is open. <3

sander doesn’t see robbe at the party, but britt had told him that she was bringing noor and he sees her storming furiously out of the venue, coming from the direction of the restrooms. a sinking feeling takes ahold of him and his feet carry him after her before he even realizes, pushing through the crowd and out the door, barely registering the sound of britt calling after him.

he finds noor outside, hunched against the wall hugging her knees against her chest. the image of it brings a pang to his chest; he’d been in almost the same position barely twenty-four hours ago, though it feels like it’s been an eternity since—

_focus._

it’s drizzling. he approaches noor slowly, like one would attempt to approach a wild deer, but noor must sense his presence because she lifts her head to glare at him.

“i don’t want to hear it, sander.”

“noor, i’m—”

“get _away _from me. i’m serious.”

the night air is suddenly suffocating as he’s thrown back into the memory of robbe shoving him in the chest in the doorway to his building.

“okay,” he says, almost robotic as he backs away and turns on his heel, walking aimlessly into the dark. for several long minutes, he doesn’t bother checking his phone because he knows he’ll have a fresh batch of missed calls that he won’t want to return: britt, his mother, maybe even his counselor at the facility, if britt has told his mother what he’s done and she’s decided to take more drastic measures. it wouldn’t be the first time.

there’s only one person that he wants to talk to right now. he smiles involuntarily at the image of robbe his mind conjures up for him. the cutest boy he’s ever set eyes on, fluffy hair and those soft brown eyes. eyes only for him.

unthinkingly, he scrolls through two missed calls from britt and five from his mom before he sees he already has a notification from robbe. _want to go hang out?_ and he’s on the verge of replying, grinning at his screen so hard it hurts, but as quickly as the smile had lifted the corners of his lips, they fall again as his mind plays back the facetime call from earlier that day.

robbe had looked… hollow. he’d clearly been miserable and sander had tried to comfort him the best way he knew how, but it hadn’t really worked. he’s not sure why; he himself is used to boxing up unpleasant memories and storing them away in a corner of his mind where he won’t easily find them again. he has to compartmentalize, he’s done it his whole life and at this point it’s harder to stop than it is to keep going. focus on one thing at a time. for the past month his main focus has been robbe. it’s been the best month of his life.

but what happened yesterday had done more than just give him a few bruises. it had shattered his focus like nothing ever had before.

britt had told him that it wasn’t his fault, he wasn’t to blame for other people’s intolerance, but he can’t help feeling like he’d been the careless one all along. robbe had been handsy in the bar, more than sander had expected, and he’d felt eyes on them the whole time they were there. whether they were hostile or not, sander didn’t like being so visible. he’s used to fading into the background but robbe… robbe has had a spotlight on him since the moment sander first set eyes on him. his light had been warm and inviting from the start, flickering at times like a candle in the wind but always bouncing back with full force—as a wildfire does—and engulfing sander whole. he’s never felt so fortunate to burn as brightly as he does when robbe is at his side.

he should have seen it coming, should have known, one way or another, the flame was bound to go out at some point. he should have realized that by letting the fire run rampant, he was securing a one-way ticket to getting extinguished.

the brightest stars in the galaxies are also the ones that burn out the most quickly. he remembers learning about blue stars and red stars as a young child, remembers the science teacher telling them that one particular star, rigel, in the constellation orion is forty thousand times brighter than the sun. rigel burns blue and hot and reckless.

sander knows that if robbe were a star, he’d burn blue, just like rigel. and if robbe is rigel, the brightest point along orion’s left leg, then sander is betelgeuse, orion’s right shoulder, the same one connected to his arm that ancient stargazers thought was brandishing a sword. betelgeuse is a supergiant, like rigel, but red instead of blue. red stars are less powerful than blue stars, but they’re supposed to live longer. it seems a fair trade, a decrease in volatility in exchange for a dimmer light that burns more steadily.

betelgeuse, however, is supposed to explode someday soon, much sooner than one might suspect. so soon that humans might still be around to witness the supernova it creates.

betelgeuse is about two million years older than rigel, but astronomers expect it will take only half that time, maybe less, to die. meanwhile, rigel is not due to meet its demise quite so soon, only due to collapse in on itself a few million years after betelgeuse has done the same.

it’s always seemed unfair to sander that betelgeuse and rigel will exist for about the same amount of time but one has to die before the other. it makes him feel sad for rigel, who will go on burning as betelgeuse creates a blinding spectacle for the universe to observe that eventually gives way to something else, a neutron star, or…

a black hole.

it’s only when he feels the wetness of the ground seeping through his pants that he realizes he’s collapsed to his knees in the middle of the sidewalk. the wind has picked up and the drizzle from earlier has worsened, raindrops like delicate pearls bursting against his skin.

he doesn’t want to become a black hole. doesn’t want to threaten everything and everyone around him by sucking them towards him, to an inescapable, unknowable fate of darkness. he’s felt that way his whole life, has learned to keep his distance from mostly everybody because of it. and well, britt had been safe, but robbe had been… a wake-up call, in more ways than one. and still, even still, he’s managed to pose a danger to the greatest source of light he’s ever found.

because not even light can escape a black hole.

so he swipes away robbe’s message and, pocketing his phone and hunching into his jacket against the rain, heads back to safety.

**Author's Note:**

> [originally posted here](https://navollidiot.tumblr.com/post/189124495654/lose-my-breath-calling-out-your-name-sander-x)


End file.
